I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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