dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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