Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
