dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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