WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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