Walk of Shame. In a state park.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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