Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
