Me. At least after what I've been through.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
