5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
