why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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