I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
