My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
