I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
