Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
