My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
