they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
