We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
