His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
