I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
