Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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