So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
