I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I met the friendliest cop last night
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
