My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
