I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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