Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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