I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
