we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
