Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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