dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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