the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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