i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
