I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
