you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
