You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ketchup is God's man juice
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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