just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
