You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
A+ Viking dick
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