I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
