Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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