Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
