I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
