First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My life is pants optional.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
