okay pat passed out under dana's car
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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