There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
