My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Operation Purity has been aborted
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
