Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
