when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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