I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
