hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
