Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
