there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
